Less important than why I was in my garage at 4am on a Thursday is what happened while I was in there.


Allow me to preface this by saying that I have been a city boy all my life…and even a bit of a nancypants, for one of those.


That said, I am in Western North Carolina for the summer, visiting my parents.


So I’m in the garage, at my father’s workbench, and I turn to walk back into the house.


I glance past Ogy – their red Smart car – to the wall, and catch a glimpse of this:



Why did it have to be snakes?



I immediately freak out.


The afternoon previous, I was told a story about how John Judd, Jr., got bit by a copperhead snake, and it was not a pleasant story, on any level.


He spotted me quickly and began his retreat.



That’s right, run away!



Action had to be taken.


And I am a Milleneal.


So I took a picture, texting it to my father:



Pictured: super helpful.



But it was useless.


I immediately remembered that he keeps his phone silent when he sleeps.


This was between me and the snake.



Oh, he looks harmless…



As he fled, I looked where he was headed and found what was possibly his point of entry:



That’s around a snake-sized hole, wouldn’t you say?



It was then that I realized that there was nowhere for this snake to go – other than miraculously back out that hole – and that he’d most likely try to hide out somewhere in the garage.




There was no way I was going to subject my mother’s washing machine to more soiled underwear than it was already in store for, by letting someone else encounter it later.


Action had to come…but I wasn’t about to hunt it back behind the garbage can, to try to kill it.


So I opened the garage door about a foot.



Could you please just leave?



He refused my offer to return to the wild, opting, instead, to slink back into the corner behind the garbage can.


I grabbed a lengthy pole and stuck it behind the can, to shoo him out.


He responded with a hiss.


Not a good sign.


“Hell,” I thought, “I haven’t been playing video games my entire life to not be able to solve this problem.”


So…what would a video game character do…?



Or, more to-the-point, what would…






Sure enough, he approached, as if to taunt me.



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He knew he was out of options…


…but he was not about to hand me victory.



Despite the clear indications to exit, he raised up a bit, stared at me staring at him, turned, and went back behind the garbage can.


“Fine, you little bastard.”


“We can do it like that, if you want to.”


I looked around the room.




Perhaps not.




That’ll play.


I sprayed a bit through the screen, behind the garbage can, and that was all it took.






I ran back to the garage door opener, shut the door, and went inside to begin writing this.


But not before duct-taping that hole in the wall.


Today seems like it may be a good day to bomb the garage with poison gas.


Though there are always other options.





Everyone be careful out there and have a great (and hopefully snake-free) summer!

4 thoughts on “MR SNAKES, OSAR

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