Fuck You, 99%ers

I’ve reached my breaking point.

As has, it seems, plenty of governmental organizations and law-enforcement officers.

I have major beef with The 99%ers.

You all annoy me. You piss me off. And I have legitimate reasons why, just as you have legitimate reasons why you’re all pissed off, too. Some of the things you’re pissed about, I am also pissed about. Some of the things you’re pissed about, you clearly haven’t thought about very much, at at least very well. And some of the ways in which you express yourselves drives me fucking crazy. So, here we go.

I have problems with extremists. I don’t like when some neo-con Republican jerk-off tells me that I hate freedom or support terrorism because I think that invading Iraq was a bad idea. I don’t like when some ultra-liberal pseudo-socialist jackass tells me that I hate freedom or “need to read more” because I don’t agree with their Agenda of the Week. Fuck all of you. Seriously. Right in the ass.

And don’t even get me started on the religious nuts. That’s a story for another day. For right now, I’m focusing my energy on you “99%er” people. And this list is gonna’ be long, so you might want to pop some popcorn.

First off, you need to actually get a real agenda. Simply being pissed off doesn’t solve shit. I know you have no job, but when you are tweeting about it from your iPhone, I don’t feel bad for you. Not even a little bit. I am in a country where I can’t drink the fucking water, and you’re bitching because rich people live in mansions? Go dig wells in Africa for a few months, and then come back home for a while. Suddenly, not getting a signal on your phone just doesn’t matter so much, anymore, after that.

You have no plan. You have no cohesion or leadership. Outside of acting like whiny bitches, complaining that other people have it better than you do, I have yet to see any other comprehensive ideology that brings you all together. Do you have a better banking plan to present to Congress? Do you have an idea how to lower our reliance on foreign energy sources? Do you have a way to bring manufacturing jobs back to the US or, create a new industry that can replace manufacturing? Because, if you do, I’d love to hear it. If not: shut the fuck up!

It’s really easy to complain when you are a rabble of grumbling pussies. Or, worse than that, the people who act as if they’re engaged because they’re posting news stories on their Facebook pages, but have no actual connection to any of it outside of their corporate-run ISP on their corporate-built laptop using corporate-designed software. That segment of the 99% can really fuck off. Long and hard.

Now, let’s get down to brass tacks. I want to talk about America. Because I’m an American. I was working in real estate foreclosures back in 2007, and I saw the writing on the wall, and came to Taiwan to weather the storm. So, I’m not part of the 99%, because those people are stupid. They have no creativity (takes me right back to their not having any good ideas or plans) and no ability to save themselves from themselves. Book a flight on your credit card, come to Asia, and teach English for a few years. If you don’t live beyond your means, you can pay off all kinds of debt and find out how nice the USA actually is. But, I digress.

I want to talk about how America works. America, like any machine, runs on fuel. Governments, like most organizations, run like businesses. And businesses run on money. Lots and lots of money. And, for the 99%ers, they seem to get that part. They seem to understand that it’s the money that’s the problem. So, let’s discuss that money stuff.

Now, I could quote different surveys and statistics and sources, but frankly, you’re not worth my time. As you might tell me, Mr. 99%er: go read a fucking book! Most of this stuff, to anyone who’s ever taken an economics course, is common knowledge.

In the 1980s, the government slashed taxes for the rich. I mean, if you were in the top 10% of earners in the USA, your tax rate went down as much as 11 points in six years. That’s…insane. What’s more insane is that the lowest bracket (the lowest quintile, for those of you reading who do know something about this shit) was the only quintile to have to pay more. Though, the largest increase for them was around 2% during that time period. Why did the 80s suck, in terms of slashing of social programs? That’s why, in a nutshell. We didn’t have the money to pay our bills, so we lived without a running refrigerator or shower (the gun rack, however, was stocked and locked – funny how that works).

I digress.

By the early-90s, the top 1% was back up to paying what we had been making them pay in the 70s – just over 35% of what they made. Think about that. You make money and have to hand over more than a third of it to the government. Meanwhile, that low bracket I mentioned had their tax rate cut in half, from around 10% to 5%. And that’s just the lowest bracket of people. That doesn’t take into account people who simply don’t have to pay taxes, and get all the free street lights and paved roads and firemen and USDA approved foods and space shuttle launches America can offer them. Don’t get stuck on that, though. The fun is coming soon!

Enter the 90s. Bush breaks his promise where he apparently forgot that when people were reading his lips, they were also listening to the bullshit he was saying. The richest 1% saw a tax increase from their cushy 28% up to a painful 31%. So that lying cocksucker had to go! Enter The Willy. Bill Clinton came in dealing with a Republican Congress and fighting tooth-and-nail to balance the books that had been thoroughly skull-fucked by the previous presidents since Kennedy. He kept taxes pretty steady for everyone, outside of that top 1% – he kicked them back up to 36% by 1994. But, wait. There was a Republican Congress at the time. How could they let such things happen? Wait…wait…they presented this legislation, to offset the damage they saw done in the 80s? Well…I don’t know what to say to that. Let’s just move on.

By 1998 the 1% finally caught a break, getting their taxes lowered down to 34%, and by the year 2000 they were back to having to pay a third of their earnings to the government. It should be mentioned that, during all this time, everyone outside the highest quintiles were having their taxes slowly decreased. And, boy, were they pissed. Pissed, Joseph? Yes. Pissed. Why pissed, Joseph? Well, I’m glad you asked.

Because why should those rich motherfuckers get a near 4-point tax reduction, and we at the bottom can’t even get a half-a-percent decrease? Fucking Federal government: always looking out for the rich. But, fear not – between 1999 and 2003 (you remember – that was GW Bush’s first term era) everyone’s taxes dropped at least a few percentage points…except for that top 1%. They didn’t get shit. It wasn’t until 2003 where they got a break, trailing down around 32% by 2006. Meanwhile, everyone elses’ taxes went up around a single percentage. Those lucky ultra-wealthy bastards…always getting all the breaks…

It’s because they pay off the government. That’s right. 40% of the government’s current budget is provided by the top 1% of earners. That’s up from less than 20% back in the 80s, when the Middle Class was really getting bent over. Who pays for the rest of it, you ask? Well, I can tell you, and I don’t mind telling you, because this is actually the simplest part of all the yakkity-yak I’ve been yakking at you for the last half hour (yeah; I type really fucking fast).

The final 60% of the government’s budget is paid for by you, the 99%. Wait…that part should have been obvious, right? Let me keep going. 57% of it is paid for by the remainder of the Top 50% of earners, which is…close to fair, I guess. I mean, we’re just playing with percentages here, but, it’s cool. If we get into sizes of populations, I’ll just confuse 99% of your brains. This is no time to bring up the IQ Bell Curve; another tale for another day, like the religious motherfuckers. Anyway…you’ve gotta’ be wondering where that last 3% comes from, right? That comes from that “lowest quintile” we were talking about before. The guys who pay 4% of their wages to taxes – they provide 3% of the nation’s budget. And I’d like to thank them for it. Why?

Because around 35% of Americans pay no taxes, at all. None. Zero dollars. In fact, some of them get tax credits, to give them more money. And who pays for that? That’s right! The Evil 1%, providing 40% of our government’s dough to do things like maintain social programs, keep schools open, and other little shit like that. 1% of the population pays for 40% of it – 35% of the population pays for none of it. Let me repeat that.

1% of the population pays for 40% of it.

35% of the population pays for none of it.

It’s true. Go look it up. There are a fuck-ton of statistics on this subject; I got all this within about twenty minutes, and then started writing about it here for you, dear reader. Dear 99%er. And, in case you haven’t been doing the math…one-in-three of those 99%ers don’t pay taxes, and yet recieve government benefits. The Top 1%ers? Do they get 40% more government services? No. Actually, because of their extreme wealth, they rarely have to utilize a whole lot of the government services the 99% take for granted. The private security at their mansions make things like police forces sort of superfluous. But when they have to call the fire department when their mansion catches on fire, they don’t show up forty-times faster than they do at Joe the Plumber’s house. Their food is regulated by the same USDA as everyone else, and the fact that they have a private chef shouldn’t mean shit. You know why?

Because they pay for nearly half of everything you ungrateful sacks of lethargic shit see existing around you!!!

Fuck you, 99%ers. Fuck all of you. Bring me an agenda that shows me some solutions that aren’t radically insane, and I’m all-ears, as are those top 1% people. I’m sure they’d love to see taxes be more balanced, so they can stop paying your way through life and having you bitch about it. But, actually, you can do me one better than that. Go find a 1%er. Seriously: pick one. Any of them. Ask them how they feel about paying what they do, for this nation to operate. Watch them talk about civic duty and how America is the best nation on Earth because their tax dollars go to paying for medicine for people who can’t afford it, food to nations that have none, and allows them to create businesses easier and most successfully than anywhere else on the planet so they can employ more of the 99%ers. Go ask them.

I’ve been around wealthy people for half my life, and I’ve never once heard any of them tell me that they think the poor should all just go fuck themselves, and they should get to keep their money. That’s what I’m here to say. Because I’m part of the 99%, but I’m not one of you 99%ers. I respect and appreciate the 1%ers for who they are, what they’ve done, and how they’ve changed the world for the better. And I love my nation. I love that America gives ten-times as much of its GDP to foreign aid as Canada does, as well as uses its Air Force to patrol their airspace for free, because it’s in our best common interest to do so. Yeah, Canada – I’m coming for you, right after the religious fuckers and the Bell Curve bullshit.

My name is Joseph Fritz, and I am a Gonzo Journalist. I laid down this entire entry in under an hour, after doing a half-hour of research. I am the 99%. I’m just nothing like you.

2 thoughts on “Fuck You, 99%ers

  1. gush u r so harsh…

    i do agree with you that most of these people who are doing this 99% stuff dont really understand it all, never been outside of usa and just want something for nothing, but then again, i dont hate them, i just wish they can learn more.

    one main disadvantage if rich people wore made by us/gov to give up their money and share it with the poor would be that no one would want to get rich because there would be no benefit to it. so then life would become stale with no ingenuity.

    but at the same it kind of sucks being in India and watching this guy who build the most expensive home in the world for himself that looks over the sums of the very poor millions of people. so amazing

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