Most people don’t wipe their asses properly. If you’re wondering if the writing that follows is going to degenerate from here, the answer is, “Yes.”
Now, I realize that most of us have had the gist of ass-wiping since we were in our early elementary school days. A few years after my own, I saw a “so terrible it’s amazing” movie called Demolition Man, and this was a scene that really stuck with me.
I know what you’re thinking. “If only Rob Schneider had stuck to small roles in Stallone movies.” But that’s not my point. My point is Sandra Bullock’s line of
“They used handfuls of wadded paper back in the 20th [century].”
Que ensuing laughter and mockery by the aforementioned Schneider.
Now don’t get me wrong. There are plenty of important things we all discover while learning to wipe our asses properly. Well…”properly.”
Don’t use too much paper or you’ll clog the toilet.
Only wipe front-to-back or “up the crack.” Especially important for the ladies.
You know: the really crucial aspects of ass-wiping. Like not re-using toilet paper that’s already been used.
So, I saw that scene in Demolition Man and I immediately thought, as most of us did, “How else are we supposed to do it?” It turns out that there are a ton of ways!
In Ancient Roman culture (where they actually had pretty advanced toilet facilities), people used a communal “sponge-on-a-stick” method, which was a great concept, save for the whole “communal” aspect.
In the modern Philippines, they use what’s called a “tabo,” a local word for a special small bucket. Filipinos will actually plant their feet on the rim of the toilet and squat, then use the tabo to douse themselves with water and then use a free hand to get it all washed off. Think of it like a poor person’s bidet.
Now, for most Westerners, that sounds like a cross between “barbarism” and “insanity.” I’ll admit, it’s not my preferred method. But, to be completely honest, I consider people who wipe their asses with toilet paper to be barbarians: it’s a very small step up from the Central Asian method of using your left hand and hoping for the best.
And don’t get me started on the totally absolutely undeniably better method of defecating that is squatting…
But I’m not here to discuss how you use the toilet: I’m focusing on what comes after. Most people don’t wipe their asses properly, simply because most people who use toilets also tend to use “handfuls of wadded paper.”
Imagine chocolate pudding. Now imagine taking a spoonful of that delicious brown dessert and dropping that shit onto your table top. Now you need to wipe it off! Let me ask you this: is the best decision for this task dry toilet paper?
Sure, at first it’s fine. You remove the bulk of the pudding, leaving a sort of…”skid mark,” if you will. And that’s when you run into trouble. Getting that last little bit off the table is impossible and the best result is a smeared brown residue spread as thin as you can manage with the toilet paper. Then paper rips off and you get paper residue in the pudding residue. Really, the only way to actually get it clean is to use something wet, preferably with some kind of astringent to facilitate cleaning/disinfecting.
Here’s a funny question. You ever notice how we don’t use toilet paper on babies? And why not? Because that will just not handle the job. If you want that baby-bottom clean, you bust out the baby wipes, otherwise you’ll be there all day and wind up with a chaffed-and-rashed mini-human. And nobody wants that.
Then…for some inexplicable reason…once we get ourselves potty-trained…we de-evolve into using toilet paper. Think about that for a second. We start out having someone else keep our asses impeccably clean while they, themselves, most-likely don’t keep their own as clean; they then teach us how to clean ourselves, but using the same inferior methods they use on themselves.
In fact, if you go to the Wikipedia page about anal cleansing (yes, there’s a Wikipedia page about wiping your ass – apparently I’m not the only one who enjoys writing about this), it doesn’t even mention baby wipes. Nowhere. Paper only gets a paragraph and water seems the most popular way to go, if you have the option. So much for those “barbaric” Filipinos.
The thing is, you can’t mix the two. For anyone who’s ever had to clean up after a night of punk teenagers toilet papering their trees/bushes, nothing sucks more than wet toilet paper. It somehow manages to both dissolve and clump. It’s like some kind of Golgothan nightmare. But baby wipes – which are essentially nothing more than paper towel soaked in witch hazel and baby oil – accomplish more than water or toilet paper, in whatever way you want to use them.
And yet the vast majority of people over 2 years old don’t use them. I didn’t start using them again until I was 26, after staying at my friend’s apartment and finding he had no toilet paper but plenty of baby wipes. I never looked back. It’s as close to wiping your ass with satin as you will ever experience. And if you tell me that doesn’t sound like an awesome feeling, then you are clearly not the same species as the rest of us.
My point is, people should wipe their asses properly. Go out, buy a pack of good-quality baby wipes, and I promise you will wonder why you ever used toilet paper.
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