The Art of Ass Wiping: How Most People Don’t Wipe Properly

Most people don’t wipe their asses properly.  If you’re wondering if the writing that follows is going to degenerate from here, the answer is, “Yes.”

Now, I realize that most of us have had the gist of ass-wiping since we were in our early elementary school days.  A few years after my own, I saw a “so terrible it’s amazing” movie called Demolition Man, and this was a scene that really stuck with me.






I know what you’re thinking.  “If only Rob Schneider had stuck to small roles in Stallone movies.”  But that’s not my point.  My point is Sandra Bullock’s line of

“They used handfuls of wadded paper back in the 20th [century].”

Que ensuing laughter and mockery by the aforementioned Schneider.

Now don’t get me wrong.  There are plenty of important things we all discover while learning to wipe our asses properly.  Well…”properly.”

Don’t use too much paper or you’ll clog the toilet.

Only wipe front-to-back or “up the crack.”  Especially important for the ladies.

You know: the really crucial aspects of ass-wiping.  Like not re-using toilet paper that’s already been used.

So,  I saw that scene in Demolition Man and I immediately thought, as most of us did, “How else are we supposed to do it?”  It turns out that there are a ton of ways!

In Ancient Roman culture (where they actually had pretty advanced toilet facilities), people used a communal “sponge-on-a-stick” method, which was a great concept, save for the whole “communal” aspect.

In the modern Philippines, they use what’s called a “tabo,” a local word for a special small bucket.  Filipinos will actually plant their feet on the rim of the toilet and squat, then use the tabo to douse themselves with water and then use a free hand to get it all washed off.  Think of it like a poor person’s bidet.

Now, for most Westerners, that sounds like a cross between “barbarism” and “insanity.”  I’ll admit, it’s not my preferred method.  But, to be completely honest, I consider people who wipe their asses with toilet paper to be barbarians: it’s a very small step up from the Central Asian method of using your left hand and hoping for the best.

And don’t get me started on the totally absolutely undeniably better method of defecating that is squatting




But I’m not here to discuss how you use the toilet: I’m focusing on what comes after.  Most people don’t wipe their asses properly, simply because most people who use toilets also tend to use “handfuls of wadded paper.”

Imagine chocolate pudding.  Now imagine taking a spoonful of that delicious brown dessert and dropping that shit onto your table top.  Now you need to wipe it off!  Let me ask you this: is the best decision for this task dry toilet paper?

Sure, at first it’s fine.  You remove the bulk of the pudding, leaving a sort of…”skid mark,” if you will.  And that’s when you run into trouble.  Getting that last little bit off the table is impossible and the best result is a smeared brown residue spread as thin as you can manage with the toilet paper.  Then paper rips off and you get paper residue in the pudding residue. Really, the only way to actually get it clean is to use something wet, preferably with some kind of astringent to facilitate cleaning/disinfecting.

Here’s a funny question.  You ever notice how we don’t use toilet paper on babies?  And why not?  Because that will just not handle the job.  If you want that baby-bottom clean, you bust out the baby wipes, otherwise you’ll be there all day and wind up with a chaffed-and-rashed mini-human.  And nobody wants that.

Then…for some inexplicable reason…once we get ourselves potty-trained…we de-evolve into using toilet paper.  Think about that for a second.  We start out having someone else keep our asses impeccably clean while they, themselves, most-likely don’t keep their own as clean; they then teach us how to clean ourselves, but using the same inferior methods they use on themselves.

In fact, if you go to the Wikipedia page about anal cleansing (yes, there’s a Wikipedia page about wiping your ass – apparently I’m not the only one who enjoys writing about this), it doesn’t even mention baby wipes.  Nowhere.  Paper only gets a paragraph and water seems the most popular way to go, if you have the option.  So much for those “barbaric” Filipinos.

The thing is, you can’t mix the two.  For anyone who’s ever had to clean up after a night of punk teenagers toilet papering their trees/bushes, nothing sucks more than wet toilet paper.  It somehow manages to both dissolve and clump.  It’s like some kind of Golgothan nightmare.  But baby wipes – which are essentially nothing more than paper towel soaked in witch hazel and baby oil – accomplish more than water or toilet paper, in whatever way you want to use them.

And yet the vast majority of people over 2 years old don’t use them.  I didn’t start using them again until I was 26, after staying at my friend’s apartment and finding he had no toilet paper but plenty of baby wipes.  I never looked back.  It’s as close to wiping your ass with satin as you will ever experience.  And if you tell me that doesn’t sound like an awesome feeling, then you are clearly not the same species as the rest of us.

My point is, people should wipe their asses properly.  Go out, buy a pack of good-quality baby wipes, and I promise you will wonder why you ever used toilet paper.




39 thoughts on “The Art of Ass Wiping: How Most People Don’t Wipe Properly

  1. Found your blog randomly from google. I hope you’re doing well on your business. Actually I believe a lot of mid-sized local businesses need professional English translation for their websites and maybe menus, DMs, etc.. I’m hoping your company can do well in Taichung and I truly hope Taiwan could offer expats more choices (other than teachers.)

  2. The best solution is the intelligent Japanese toilet which shoots a stream of warm water at button’s press. Combined with wadded paper, it is the best of all worlds. All modern homes should be equipped with one.

  3. I prefer to wipe my ass with a splash of water using my left hand. I do not see anything wrong with it. It is the best method. People don’t hate themselves as long as the poop is in their body. I do not see why people make so much fuss about using your own hand on your own body, nor do I consider people using alternative methods more civilized. Using your hand is eco-friendly as it saves a lot of paper and of course it cleans your asshole properly. Take it easy folks!

  4. In middle east, we use a hose that we get to our butt and cleanse it completely with water and then we dry it with toilet paper. I wish it was like that in the west, life would’ve been way easier.

  5. I think part of why babies get diaper rash is because of the heat and moisture. I think a combination of wet and dry wiping is best. Using only TP is fine for when you pee. It’s going straight down in the toilet and you’re not sitting in it for a while like a baby is. That is why babies need wet wipes, no matter what they do. I think flushable wet wipes make sense for when you have a bowel movement though. And even then, I use a combo of both. I wipe first with toilet paper to get most of the mess off. Then a wet wipe, up to 2-3 times, folded. And then one more time with toilet paper. Gets me pretty clean. I think a similar method should be used for babies. After the wet wipes, use some sort cloth to dry with. Many hardcore anti-disposable cloth diapering moms use cloth wipes that they machine wash. I think even disposable diaper using moms should invest in some cloth wipes to finish up with.

  6. 3 steps is the way to go.
    1 use wet wipes to clean.
    2 toilet paper to remove most of the moisture.
    3 use baby powder to absorb rest of moisture (and feels fresh

    • Thanks for sharing that with us you sick, creepy, perverted weirdo and I don’t believe even for second that you even been close to a woman long enough to even smell her poop hole.

  7. I find it funny that on the TV show house hunters when they show a bidet everybody acts all embarrassed like it’s a terrible thing to have a clean poop hole.

  8. I use the two-step method. I wipe with toilet paper, getting the bulk of the residue off first. Then I go to a wetted paper towel, or re-usable rag, to get the small grime off. I even go so far as to manipulate my anus by pinching it together with my fingers to get out residue hiding in between the skin folds of the anus. By the time I’m done with my ass, it’s clean, captain. Though, it’s STILL the asshole, so it’s never really clean, if you get the picture.

  9. While there are plenty of ways for people to clean themselves in the bathroom, baby wipes might not be a great method considering the strain it puts on sewer systems, Toilet paper disintegrates in contact with water; however, baby wipes do not. The result of throwing baby wipes into the toilet is a backup/clog in the sewer system. A new television show called “Adam Ruins Everything” explains this issue. The episode clip where this is explained is here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TgHVO-RZ8c4. Perhaps TP is a bit outdated, but maybe an alternative can be damp toilet paper or a quick rinse if the former isn’t sufficient.

  10. “Only wipe front-to-back or “up the crack.” Especially important for the ladies.”

    Only wiping one direction leaves roughly half the shit still on your butthole. It doesn’t really take that much coordination to wipe back to front as well and not get shit on your balls (or in your vagina if you’re a lady). Now I’ve heard of many women not wiping back to front, only front to back, which explains why a lot of women walk around with dirty buttholes. I really don’t get what’s so complicated or difficult about it. I could understand if we were all toddlers, not having the hand-eye coordination to master the back to front wipe. But as adults? Come on now. If you can’t do this as an adult without wiping shit all over the front of you then sorry but you need someone looking after you.

  11. Seriously, if you don’t believe me then wipe your ass all the way front to back until the paper is clean and you think you’re done. Then if you want the surprise of your life just give it one good wipe back to front and you’ll be mortified at all the shit you’ve been leaving behind when you THOUGHT you were done.

    • I am a massage therapist and you are right. Some people have no idea how stinky their cracks are. Nobody ever taught me front to back, and when I tried it I sense that I’m not getting everything 😮 I wipe back to front with a little side motion to keep it away from my vagina. I agree that it’s not hard, and I feel confident knowing I don’t have shit at the back of my ass crack!

  12. Hey Jude! I would love for you to lick my butt hole clean it feels so good! Meet me baby and lick me all night long!

  13. I am tired of being in an office environment where everyone literally stinks of dried shit. Seriously needs to be a revolution in the way people wipe their butts, toilet paper is not enough. Use a wipe after as a minimum.

    • Feel free to print this piece out and tape it to the inside of stall doors at your workplace. Could come in handy as toilet paper in case of any emergencies, at least.

  14. Randall is right on. Clean first with dry TP and then a wet wash cloth. Of course, you have to be near a sink because you’ll be surprised how many times you might have to rinse and re-wipe. Good for environment also. Baby wipes can clog sewers and are not great for septics either.

  15. This may be really unfiltered but to add to a mystery of the cleanest butthole ever, read on but only mature audiences.You’ve been warned!!! I dated a girl once (she was hot and I don’t know how I was able to date her, go figure) and she never pooped or farted (at least not while around me) and I could jam my finger way up her ass (during sex play) and I never could get even a small wiff of any poop smell, “EVER!!” WTF?? I do not know how she accomplished this but it is a true experience…

  16. First, I wipe out most of the dunk stick to my ass using dry paper. Second, I spit on the toilet paper to make it moisture in order to wipe out the rest dunk. Third, another dry paper is used to make my ass dry and clean.

  17. Thing with baby wipes isnt it bad for the environment? tons of baby wipes clogging up drains etc…? filling land fill sites?

  18. What about the BIDET why is not a standard equipment in every new home, Then can be clean the ass whit hot water or cold water then you can wipe out with a towel or what ever you like to use.
    I have one at home that imported from Europe cost me 900US$ + shipping !

  19. Hey not all FIlipinos do that squatting thing with feet on the toilet seat! Use of tabo, yes. Use of water spray, yes. But not the squat barbaric act. Not all!!!

  20. You are not truly clean unless you wash with water and soap after using a toilet paper. Anyone with half a brain should be able to figure that out. Why shower/bathe with water and soap if toilet paper would suffice to keep you ‘clean’?

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